I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
