I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
