i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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