nut hugger
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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