Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
