dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
