I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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