this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
