I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
