mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
