I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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