dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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