my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize