When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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