Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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