she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
