I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
