I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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