There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
