My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you never un-have a 4some
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
