I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
