Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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