I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
