I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
