The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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