I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize