Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
