Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
