Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
