I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
