I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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