Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
