My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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