The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize