OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
