In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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