She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
