I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
