Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
