I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
