Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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