Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
