It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
