you're like a bully in the Christmas story
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
