I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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