How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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