Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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