she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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