Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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