I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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