she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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