Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
