chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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