Say something about gay babies.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
