she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I need to sanitize my soul.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
