butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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