if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have fence marks all over my body
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
