Someone shit on the floor
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
