i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Come on in and take your pants off
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