I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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